):(

I will beat this.

Trying so Hard

The trouble is, you think you have time.
-Buddha

Okay, I'm done.

Today would have been 28 days without cutting. But last night I gave in. I had to. And I feel worthless. So I've decided to give up on trying not to cut. I'm just going to let it win.

First days again..

We started a new semester today.. It was painfully awkward and uncomfortable. When I walked into first block today I found out with that boy that I hooked up with is in my class. I haven't talked to him since I told him his girlfriend found out he cheated. But when I came in he gave me a hug; which was weird because we only hug outside of school... I'm not going to over think anything. At least he sits on the other side of the room. A girl I used to like is in another class I have. She led me on then told me I was too young for her. Pretty awkward. These pills need to start working soon.

Antidepressants

Just took my first antidepressant pill. I'm nervous.

Checkpoint 3 (2)

Days without cutting: 21 :D

That One Good Person

Tonight, I went to youth group with that girl who tries to save me. We had a long talk about religion and what it meant and how it happened. She told me we could talk to the minister and see what he had to say about religion. So after youth, we went to talk to him. I asked him what our purpose was during life was and he answered my question and then told me I didn't have to ask him about religious things and could tell him what was really going on. That was the point I realized I had been set up. She took me there to talk to him about my life and everything. I've decided I want to go talk to him once a week and I am not going to tell my mom. It really meant a lot that she thought of me and got me help. He is the first therapist I've ever honestly opened up to. And I think he realized that. He said two things to me that my other three therapist have said. He said that I have a hard time trusting people and that even when I smile all he could see was sadness and pain. That was when I really started crying. After that, she asked me if I hated her. I could never hate her. The youth session was on forgiveness and what the bible says and what we should morally do. So I decided to forgive my cousin for being a whore and telling everyone I'm gay. I decided to forgive that girl who told the boy I hooked up with girlfriend. I can't say I want to be close friends with her anymore but I forgive her for what she did. Also, he told us that some people hold grudges as a way of coping with things. That is what I do all the time. So I've decided to work on that. Because I am at the point in my life where I'm at a crossroad. I can either get happy now or let the depression win. I'm hoping I can be happy. Actually, I'm praying i can be happy.