Finally Understood

       I have recently read and watched the movie of The Perks of Being a Wallflower. My life is truly changed. It is one of the best books and movies Ive ever read/seen. Fabulous, fabulous, fabulous. I can't wait to buy the movie when it comes out on DVD! I'm getting ready to start rereading the book too.. Its all i have been thinking about. I'm so in love. By the way, this isn't a movie review, more like expressing my heart and how it felt about this topic.
       First off, the movie, since I saw it first. Emma Watson, Logan Lerman, and Erza Miller were fabulous. There could not have been anyone better picked for the part. I cried the WHOLE ENTIRE MOVIE, which is weird because I never cry. I think I cried because of how much it related to me. It was uncanny. I loved the realisticness of it. It was the most true "coming-of-age" movie, Ive ever seen. It was like the author said "lets just tell it how it is". And he did. I have never felt more understood by anyone in my life. Each character has their own set of problems, and that is how they are all able to lean on each other for support. There is Patrick, who is gay (Miller is gay in real life too) and struggling with having a boyfriend who won't come out. He deals mostly with homophobia. Then there is Sam, his stepsister, who has school problems, self-esteem issues, suffered from child abuse, has been used a lot, and has boy problems. I think all of these things can be so relatable in today's society. Finally, there is Charlie, who is very shy, had a best friend who killed himself, suffered from child abuse, and has something going on inside his head that is very strange.. But I understand because I think Charlie and I are a lot alike. "I swear I have never felt more okay than I did reading this book." And maybe that is why I like this movie so much. He is struggling, just like me. The soundtrack is this movie is GREAT. I had never heard of most of the songs but now that I have.. I am in love. Also, the references to The Rocky Horror Picture Show!!! I was so excited because that is one of my favorite movie ever. I think Charlie and I have the same brain. It is truly mindblowing.
        Now, the book, which I finished yesterday. Its different from the movie in the sense of what Charlie comes across as. Charlie seems strange in the book, and we do not get that side of him in the movie. I was surprised at the amount of drugs and alcohol there was in the book. Not that it made the book less great, I just didn't feel Sam and Patrick and Charlie came across as those kind of people. I was a little disappointed. Ive read that the book wasn't all that popular but people should defiantly watch the movie. It is phenomenal. I really like the format of the book though. I felt like Charlie was writing the letters to me. I think the author wanted that. There are certain parts in both the book and the movie where they don't tell you exactly whats happening so I think in some places it might be hard to follow. Especially in the book. You might have to ask teens for advice. I'm sure most teens will know. Also, the quotes in the book were beautiful.I wish the book were longer. Its short and "fast-paced". I hope one of these days, Ill figure everything out like Charlie does. I'm jealous of that. This is how I feel. I hope this book helps other people find their way when they are lost. I believe that there are lots of "Charlies" out there. Happy reading!

• "We accept the love we think we deserve."
• "So, this is my life and I just want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.
• "And in that moment, I swear, we were infinite."

I'm not sure if I've understood this one yet. In the book and the movie Charlie is continuously saying and thinking this. I take it as him saying that in that particular moment (riding through the tunnel) he felt so happy he thought it could never end. Charlie feels like he will be happy forever and he feels like he belongs. Maybe.. Not my favorite quote in the book.

• "Things change. Friends leave. And life doesn't stop for anybody."
• "The truth is, when it gets really quiet, when silence gets too loud, I really start to miss everyone."
• "I would die for you. But I won't live for you."
• "I don't want to start thinking again. Not like I have this last week. I can't think again. Not ever again."

How do those quotes make you feel?
                                                                                                                      
                                                                                                                                      

Disappointed

Well today I went to go get my learners permit after waiting 6 months to finally be able to. My mom decided that we should arrive at the DMV, one hour before it closes. She also decided she was not going to bring any of my identification either.. So when we finally got up to the counter they lady told us we could not get my permit because we didn't have any identification. Now i have to wait two more days. Im so tired of being disappointed and thats how i feel all the time. Maybe something will go my way for once.. but until then I'll just sit around and complain about how much it sucks that i can not drive. For some reason my mom keeps blaming it on me saying that im always prepared for everything so she figured i had all of the info! Whatever. Im not even sure where any of that stuff is! Im tired of being blamed for everything! Sometimes... life sucks
"Maybe I'm just in love when you wake me up."
- Ed Sheeran Wake Me Up

That's How I Am

       I realized that I have a very addictive personality. I attach to things so quickly and I have a hard time forgetting about them. And sometimes it worries me. I have a million bad habits that I know I will never get rid of and I really don't need anymore. I sometimes feel like I have to be very cautious of what I do because I don't want to become reliant on anything. I've suffered from things like that in the past and it terrifies me that I could go through the never ending cycle again. I am also like that with people. I become very reliant on them and I need to realize how stupid that is because you can't trust anyone. No matter how much people will get you to think they care, they really don't. Or they are too stupid to realize when they need to take action. I hope that if anyone ever needed me, the way that I've needed people, then I could be there for them and actually make a difference in their lives. 13 Reasons Why and How to Save a Life are like the books I worship. They are deep and really explain how to deal with people's dark side. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother having friends. It just seems like a pointless thing to deal with. All my friends do is gossip and listen to what everyone else thinks. I just can't comprehend why anyone would want to waste their time caring about what other ignorant people think. Whatever. Screw that. But I cant stop being bothered by it. Oh well... I'll just listen to some music to forget about it
"I don't get waves of missing you anymore; there more like tsunami tides, in my eyes.:
-Ed Sheeran U.N.I.

Dreadhead

:)

    I want dreadlocks SO bad. I think they are the coolest things erver but they seem like a lot of work. And I don't want to get stereotyped. I don't smoke week and I'm not dirty but i think that might be the image dreads give off. I don't care what people think of me but if I'm unable to get a job then it might a problem. I did some temperary dreads once and it was amazing. I just don't think I can make that kind of commitment. :( But I can defiantly keep doing the temperary ones. I applaud anyone who is a dreadhead. Im also VERY jealous of you. I wish I knew people who were cool enough to have dreads.. but I don't. Having the whole hippy vibe with dreads is pretty awesome too. I wish i gave off that vibe... but I don't! I'm not really sure what kind of vibe I give off. Probably a negative one. It's funny how you can just look at someone and get a certain feeling. I wonder if it's peoples face that makes me feel that way. or maybe it's their personality. I defiantly wouldn't consider myself a people person. Anyway, DREADS. They are just too cool! And when they are really long.. soo sexy. Hopefully I can give it a try soon. I just need to grow a pair already. Maybe one of theses days.. :)
"I feel like a hero and you are my heroine"
-Boys Like Girls Hero/Heroine

Beautifully

       A couple days ago I was listening to Pandora, you know that app where it plays music that you like? Well anyway I was listening to the Ed Sheeran station and a song I didn't know came on. So I started listening to it and one of the lyrics in the chorus was "it's not that you're not beautiful, you're just not beautiful to me" and it BROKE MY HEART. It was literally the meanest thing I've ever heard. How can anyone be so mean as to say that? That one particular lyric made me so mad; I didn't want to talk to anyone for the rest of the day. Are all guys this mean? Would anyone actually say this? They shouldn't. Unless they want to be the biggest douchebag ever. But some people just don't care how they make people feel. I feel like I'm stereotyping guys right now. I'm sure there are some nice guys somewhere. Not the guy who sang that song though. It's called Beautifully by Jay something.. Its a cute song, it's just that one line. I just can't imagine if someone said that to any of my friends, I would go crazy. But that's how I feel about that line; and boys I guess.

First Blog

Oh gosh..

     This is my first blog! That's pretty exciting. I've been wanting to do this forever. But I'll be honest, Awkward was the really reason i started. It just seemed like a great idea to type out random thoughts to strangers. I'm just gonna vent my thoughts about things. Like now, I want to talk about music. Music is my life. It's the words I want to say and the feelings I can't figure out. I can't play an instrument or sing a note to save my life but music is the biggest part of my life. Weird? Its like my drug. It seems like songs always know what to say and they instantly make me feel better. It's the lyrics that make the song. I'd be a hot mess if I couldn't listen to music to calm me down. My new favorite artist is Ed Sheeran. His songs are just so true! But if any songs seem to talk about what I'm going though, I'll listen to it a thousand times. I just got up to 640 songs on the my phone and I am so proud of that! Gosh, I could talk about my love affair with music for hours. Am I the only one who feels like music is my best friend and no one can understand me like that? If I could express my feelings the way songs do everyone would know exactly the way I feel. That's actually a really scary thought. When I need to sit down and cry I just flip through my songs until I find sad songs that were MADE for me and I just let it out. I don't know if that is a healthy thing to do, but i do it anyway. Well, that's my secret affair with someone named music.

"And in a pipe she flies to the Motherland, or sells love to another man"
-Ed Sheeran The A-Team