Okay, I'm done.

Today would have been 28 days without cutting. But last night I gave in. I had to. And I feel worthless. So I've decided to give up on trying not to cut. I'm just going to let it win.

First days again..

We started a new semester today.. It was painfully awkward and uncomfortable. When I walked into first block today I found out with that boy that I hooked up with is in my class. I haven't talked to him since I told him his girlfriend found out he cheated. But when I came in he gave me a hug; which was weird because we only hug outside of school... I'm not going to over think anything. At least he sits on the other side of the room. A girl I used to like is in another class I have. She led me on then told me I was too young for her. Pretty awkward. These pills need to start working soon.

Antidepressants

Just took my first antidepressant pill. I'm nervous.

Checkpoint 3 (2)

Days without cutting: 21 :D

That One Good Person

Tonight, I went to youth group with that girl who tries to save me. We had a long talk about religion and what it meant and how it happened. She told me we could talk to the minister and see what he had to say about religion. So after youth, we went to talk to him. I asked him what our purpose was during life was and he answered my question and then told me I didn't have to ask him about religious things and could tell him what was really going on. That was the point I realized I had been set up. She took me there to talk to him about my life and everything. I've decided I want to go talk to him once a week and I am not going to tell my mom. It really meant a lot that she thought of me and got me help. He is the first therapist I've ever honestly opened up to. And I think he realized that. He said two things to me that my other three therapist have said. He said that I have a hard time trusting people and that even when I smile all he could see was sadness and pain. That was when I really started crying. After that, she asked me if I hated her. I could never hate her. The youth session was on forgiveness and what the bible says and what we should morally do. So I decided to forgive my cousin for being a whore and telling everyone I'm gay. I decided to forgive that girl who told the boy I hooked up with girlfriend. I can't say I want to be close friends with her anymore but I forgive her for what she did. Also, he told us that some people hold grudges as a way of coping with things. That is what I do all the time. So I've decided to work on that. Because I am at the point in my life where I'm at a crossroad. I can either get happy now or let the depression win. I'm hoping I can be happy. Actually, I'm praying i can be happy.

The Pain

I want to die. I want to cut. And I'm sitting here contemplating both. I called that girl that tries to save me. She is coming over. But until then I sit here alone and think about suicide. Because now thats all I ever think about. It seems like a best option.

Last thing

If these antidepressants don't work then that's it. I'm done. Theses pills are my last resort. And if nothing changes then I'm done because I'm too tired to keep fighting.

What...

I can't believe how angry I've been this week. Its the angriest I've been since school started.

Last Night...

Last night was the most dramatic night of my life. Well last night I found out that the guy I hooked up with girlfriend found out we hooked up. And I found out who told her. One of my best friends. A girl I talk to every single day. We became close and I started to tell her everything. So when the hook up happened it felt natural to tell her. That's when I found out that she was good friends with his girlfriend. But since we were closer, I figured she would not have told her. And she promised me she would either. Because that would obviously make her a bad friend. So last night she texted me saying she had "big news". She told that bitch. His girlfriend says that she is upset with him but won't break up with him because she really wants to make it work... they have been dating almost three weeks.. She also said she didn't hate me and wouldn't tell anyone. First off, I didn't give a fuck what she thought about me or who the fuck she would have told. Secondly, who the fuck wants to stay with someone who cheated on them. So after thinking about it, I decided to call that boy I hooked up with. She hadn't said anything to him about it. He also thought it was weird that she was so obsessed with him. But once we changed the subject I asked if we were going to hang out. He said his girlfriend wouldn't appreciate that. And that really hurt because he really is the world to me. I don't know when Ill  see him again now.  She was going to pretend she didn't know. I was so pissed that I told my backstabbing bitch of a best friend that I told him she found out and got mad because he wasn't supposed to know the girlfriend knew. How fucking stupid is that. So then my "best friend" started tell me to be happy I told the girlfriend and to get over it and just go back to being friends with her. Fuck no. Fuck people and their sick minds. I'm done with everything and I don't care about anyone anymore.

Also, I've watched Rocky Horror Picture Show twice this weekend. A total of five times :)
"Give yourself over to absolute pleasure."
- Frank-N-Furter

This is Not Okay.

I felt embarrassed as shit today when I got triggered during a dissection. Its only been 15 days and I'm getting triggered while cutting open a pig... that sucks. I have a feeling this won't be good. I had to put down the scalpel and walk away because I just couldn't do it. Yesterday a substitute teacher asked me why I was pulling my hair out.. in front of the whole class...I wanted to die. I still want to die.

Checkpoint 2 (2)

Days without cutting: 14

Therapy Again.

Later today I've got my second therapy appointment with the Spanish lady. I don't really mind her but she gets irritated when I don't answer her questions correctly. But she can get over it. And in two weeks I have my appointment to get on the medication. Life is moving forward. And that's funny because only 2 months ago I never expected I would be here. I've never thanked that one girl who saved me, properly. Maybe I will someday. But until then I'll just smile at her in the halls to let her know I feel okay.

Bam.

Every time I think about the past four months.

So Angry

I have never been so pissed in my whole fucking life. I just really need to vent this out right now. So on New Years Eve my cousin and I went to a party with our family. She is two years younger than me and had a boyfriend (although it changes every night). So I talked to this one guy a couple times that night and it wasn't that big of a deal. I don't even think we talked about anything interesting and my cousin was standing beside us although she didn't talk at all. A couple days later she told me this boy asked her for my number and she gave it to him. I didn't really care and I was trying to be nice so I texted him back. Well A WEEK LATER (just ONE week) he started to ask people if I liked him. Well when one of his friends, who knows I'm gay, asked if I liked him I said, "What?! Come on, you know me." So he went back and told that kid I was gay. Keep in mind none of my fucking family know or even think I'm gay. So he went and told my cousin that he stopped "talking" to me because I was gay. Well #1 we were NEVER "talking", he just kept texting me and #2 if he texted me three times and I never responded then wouldn't that make me the one who stopped texting him. Idiots. Anyway, my cousin decided to tell EVERYONE IMAGINABLE. My own fucking cousin, who I was closest to. She told my whole family, her friends, my friends, anyone who might know me, and anyone who would listen to her story. Now I'm afraid to even see my family because I don't want to hear the gay comments that they might have. Then my neighbor, who is in the same class as her, said she heard my cousin talking about how I was second choice to this boy but since she had a boyfriend, he decided he could settle for me. That probably hurt the worst. My best friend, who is related to me, saying shit like that. It just crushed me. So yesterday I was sitting in my room, feeling upset about all of this when she texted me. It said ... do you mind if me and jay "talk". Normally, I wouldn't give a shit but under these circumstances, it wasn't okay. So I didn't answer because I was so angry. And today, I was just walking out to the buses, just talking to a friend when she comes up behind me and taps on my shoulder. And I turned around and she was walking with that boy and I was so angry. So I said "are you fucking kidding me?!" And I rolled my eyes and walked away. I wanted to say... PIPE THE FUCK DOWN. (: But yeah.. my heart is broken. And by my own cousin too. Damn. She chose a boy over me. A boy. Wow. I'm just over it. I will just try my best to stay away from her and ignore the situation. Unless it gets thrown in my face or something. Fuck them. People suck. I'm still trying to find that one honest person that I can be okay with. Because I haven't met anyone like that in a long time. I'm losing hope for humanity, I think.

Damn.

That boy I hooked up with came over tonight. He thinks that I am not gay. I told him that's fine. I honestly don't care. If it isn't bothering him anymore, then I'll let it be. We had fun though. He did feel me up a couple times but we didn't kiss. I'm actually glad about that. He broke my favorite belt and my favorite underwear. Both of which were on my body. What the hell? He also showed me the shaving rash on his dick. Uhh, nasty. But I haven't felt that happy in a really long time so it was worth it. I'm just pretty excited to get on some fucking antidepressants so I'll always feel okay and won't have to think about it. I'm super relaxed right now. Thank god. I needed that.

Checkpoint 1 (2)

Days without cutting: 7

Don't Close Your Eyes

"How long has it been since someone touched a part of you other than your body?"

New Plan

Running lots, eating little.

My weight has been mentioned about six times already this year. Guess that means time to drop some lbs. I used to be confident with my body. Until I realized that I was not skinny and that skinny girls look better. I don't ever want to feel as hideous as I did during that hook up. Here we fucking go again.

Staying Positive, Bitches.

Update:
Therapy went good! I'll see this lady every week and also another guy to check up on me. They are giving me antidepressants and diagnosed me with OCD which is the cause of my anxiety which is the cause of my depression. Strange.. but if that's what they say! Just ran for the first time in half a year. Got to .76 miles before I threw up! Yay me. And.. let's see. Hanging out with one of my friends Friday. Yay. Hanging out with either the boy I hooked up with or the girl I can't stop thinking about Saturday and then going to church with her on Sunday. That sentence made me feel like a whore. Later tonight I have to call her; that's very exciting. <3! I'm very happy  about this weekend. The semester is almost over and I'll finally be able to get out of the classes from hell. What else? Maybe that's it. I'm sure I'll think of other things later. I'll add them!

#3

Here we go again.
I am leaving to go see a new therapist for the third time. Damn it.

Confused and Complicated

I talked to that boy I hooked up with yesterday. I asked him why he let it happen. He said because the feelings he has had since last year never went away. Then he asked me why I let it happen. I told him the same reason he did. And it was completely true. He has always been the one person I think about and the one person I want to be around. He said that if he didn't have a girlfriend, he would have kissed me earlier. All I wanted was for him to kiss me. He also said he did it because we never got the chance to kiss before and wanted to know what it was like to be with me. It made me feel kinda used and like he had nothing better to do that night. Then I asked what happens next and he told me we probably couldn't do it again until he breaks up with her but he wanted to. When I asked him if he had regrets or felt uncomfortable, he told me no and he was great but I think he is just happy he got some. With him, if he doesn't understand something then it is not okay. He can't just go with the flow; he has to know the exact explanation of everything. So when I kinda mentioned I also still like him, he was so confused. He was like you're gay! You can't like guys! We never ended up together a year ago because you like girls! And I just need him to understand that I don't understand either. And that it is okay! The unknown is one of the parts of life. You just do what you have to do and let it be. But I doubt he would ever understand that concept. I'm tired of labels and over thinking everything that happens and why it happens. That might be the biggest problem of my depression. I need to take a break and just do what I want because I can. I don't have the answers. I'm tired of being questioned about everything I do, when the only reason I did it is because I felt like it. Why does it have to be anymore complicated than that?
"I'll settle for a slowdown."

Regrets?

Oh my gosh. I can't believe I did that. I made out with my best friend who has a girlfriend. And it is a HE. I made out with a guy! I don't even like guys. What the hell just happened. He started dating her FOUR DAYS AGO. That's pathetic. What I did was pathetic. What if I just ruined our friendship? He was my best friend. Exactly a year ago we became best friends and its been great. We are supposed to hang out tomorrow.. I doubt he will want to do that. He hasn't texted me or anything. That happened an hour ago. Doesn't he want to talk about it? I do! I just need to know what he is thinking... he should be pissed at me. He said "look at what you did. Making me cheat." Of course he said it with a smile and we went back to kissing but I can't stop repeating those words in my head.. he was serious.. I have a feeling he was so serious. What if I like him more than a friend? What if I told him that and he told me no because he likes his girlfriend too much. He is going to push me away. Damn.. I think I'll go to bed and hopefully I won't feel like I'm going to throw up when I wake up in the morning. Its 12 fucking 30 at night. Yeah, I'm tired of thinking about it. I need to brush my teeth so I can get his spit out of my mouth. Ew . Actually, I enjoyed it. Oh no. That's not good. The first time I hang out with my friends in 2 months and I piss half of them off my being a hookup. Damn. Shit, shit, shit. No one will call me back. My poor slashed wrists. My poor loveless wrists. Goodnight, babe.

I hate myself.

Days without cutting: 0

I Cried..

"She paints a pretty picture,

But her story has a twist.

Her paintbrush is her razor,

And her canvas is her wrist.

She paints her pretty picture,

In a colour that’s blood red.

While using her sharp paint brush,

She finally ends up dead.

Her pretty pictures fading,

Quite slowly on her arm.

The blood is not racing through her,

She can no longer do harm.

She painted her pretty picture,

But her picture had a twist.

You see her mind was a razor,

And her heart was her wrist"

Multiple Personalities

I think the thing I have most trouble with is figuring out who I am. Everyday I look completely different. How I feel decides what I wear. There is the girly side of me, which is very rare, is when I feel really good and want to look and feel confident. Then there is my school/bum side where I only wear jeans and a T-shirt or sweatshirt with no makeup because I don't feel like putting in an effort. Then there is my boyish side where a dress like a boy with my snapbacks and stuff. There is also my slutty side were I wear my slut  clothes. And my western side for when I ride horses. Its annoying because I don't feel like me and i just don't know who I am. What am I even supposed to do about that?

Stupid New Years Resolutions

Every year I try to have one new years resolution and it always is forgotten two months later. Hopefully I'll remember this one because I think it is a good one. This year I am going to surround myself with only positive, upbeat people. Also I am going to do positive things instead of negative ones. And I'm going to find myself; I'll do things I wouldn't normally do and step outside my box. 2013 will be the year of finding peace. <3