To The Boy Who Texted Me To Tell Me He Misses Me

Thank you. The fact that after about 4 months of not speaking and giving each other glares in the hallway that said I haven't talked to you in forever and I don't care, you texted me. And you said I miss you. Even though I only thought about you once because I had a dream about you.. I said it back. Because maybe I just missed feeling loved. You asked if we could hang out as a group again and I said no because I'm not ready to be around the people who didn't want to care about me. So you asked if I wanted to just hang out with you and that girl that never called me back when I tried to reach out to her even though she said she would. I told you maybe so we set it up for next Saturday. To be completely honest, I don't want to because I'm afraid things might go back to the way they were. I pulled away because things were awful and if it goes back to normal I'll be even more unhappy. So I'm faced with a hard decision here. Please try to understand. I can go and try to make things different and hope they will turn out better, or I can not go and leave things as they are, where I don't talk to you all, even of they are terrible. I guess I'll try to give you another shoot. After all, for a whole year you were my everything. I haven't forgotten that and I know you haven't either. Secretly I've always wanted to go back to that because I had never loved someone or been so devoted to someone more than I was with you.
"If I didn't know better, I'd follow you up the stairs. Stop saying those sweet things, you know I like to hear. The horns are blowing louder and they're destroying me"

Checkpoint 3

Days without cutting: 21
"And the songbirds are singing like they know the score. And I love you, I love you, I love you, like never before."

You Wouldn't Understand

You go through your life trying to live, but I go through mine trying to survive.

I Don't Know What To Do Now

I can't stop thinking about cutting. I just can't stop. Its driving me crazy. 18 days since the last time and I'm trying so hard not to. I'm trying not to do it because she doesn't want me to. And she means everything to me. I'm not strong enough to fight it anymore. I realize that now. I'll never be strong enough.

Visiting Family

Honestly, I think visiting family is the worst. You have to drive hours to get there and then have to stay there a bunch of days then drive hours to get back! I'm sitting in my cousin living room, 7 hours away from my beautiful home and I'm ignoring my family because they are annoying. I just want to go home now but we are leaving in 2 day. Dammit. I want to go and hang out with that girl I can't stop thinking about. I miss her, which is annoying because I know it isn't a mutual feeling. Oh well. Shit happens.

Stupid Holidays.

It is supposed to be "the happiest season of all" but it doesn't feel like it. The holidays are making me feel like shit. And I'm pretty pissed off about it. I wish I felt great and didn't have to think about the depression but it just won't go away. Nothing made me feel good on Christmas. Like a warm happy feeling.. Maybe that was because I spent all of Christmas Eve getting my sister's big and expensive gifts from my mom ready for her. Or maybe it is because I can't see the girl I really want to hang out with til next week. But probably it is the fact the tomorrow I have to go visit my family who live 6 hours away, and I despise most of them. I haven't had a therapy appointment in over a week and now because of this stupid trip I have to reschedule it for a week from now. I want to cut. I need it. I've thought about it for the past 4 days and I think I'm going to. I haven't cut in 16 days. That's a big deal, so I don't want to ruin it. I really don't want to. But I don't think I can stay strong enough to handle it. I feel really scared. I'm trying so hard to beat this but it isn't working. I'm not doing something right because I just cant win. And I don't have anyone to talk to about it. That's probably the worst feeling in the world. Ill be so disappointed if I cut again. The cycle always restarts though. This winter break is beginning to feel very lonely.

Checkpoint 2

Days without cutting: 14
(:

Clarity

When it wont and it wont because it can't. It just can't. Its not supposed to.

Creating Sucess

10 days, and not one single urge.

To Those Who Left Me: My Story

3 months ago, when I pulled away from you guys, it was only because I needed you all to prove you loved me, and that we were in this together. I need to feel like I meant something. I was falling and falling and I couldn't get back up. You all knew what was going on, so there was no excuse. I was angry. And I stayed angry for a really long time. But then I was too sad to be angry anymore and it faded away. I didn't talk to anyone for months. And no one questioned it. You all just sat back and watched me suffer. For months I was all alone. I hit rock bottom, and there wasn't a single person in this world I could talk to. Not one fucking person. But it didn't even cross your minds. Ill probably never forgive you for that. You never once thought how I was doing or if I needed help still. You just thought about yourselves and your dumb high school drama and your outfits and boyfriends; while I was trying my best not to kill myself every fucking day. Maybe I sound selfish here. But I was the opposite of that. I thought about you guys, my best friends, everyday. Once I had given up hope for life, something amazing happened. I started spending my time with that girl I was friends with, the one who had some issues and focused on school a lot. One day, out of the blue, we decided to hang out. And for some reason, we had that most amazing chemistry and I told her everything. Like about how you all left me in my darkest hour. And she understood..., and cared. She just felt like me, a better me. Of course, things didn't get better then. No. Fighting my demons was a long process. We started going to youth together. I'm not completely sure what I believe but it was nice to think that there was something to believe in. I assume she was the one who mentioned to my mom that I need help and so I started going to therapy. Knowing that 3 people cared about me and my problems was enough to help me relax. I got this blog so I could vent my feeling and not have to worry about it. And slowly I started fighting this and trying to get better. That's where I am today. Happy enough to try talking to you all again. I understand you didn't know what to do with my situation. Most people wouldn't. But you knew I needed love and support, which was the last thing you gave me. So next time you get the opportunity to save someone, try as hard as you fucking can. You never know what difference it could make.

Checkpoint 1

Days without cutting: 7

Longest time without cutting: 4 months

Just Breathe

It looks like I'm friends with everyone again. I guess people can stand me when I'm calm, and not freaking out on them every other second. It's nice. I've had the most plans this weekend then I've had in 2 months. And I feel alright. And right now, nothing else matters.
"And in that moment, I swear we were infinite."

Maybe Starting Over...

I've slowly started talking to my old friends again and they invited me over this weekend.. i doubt I'll go but it is one step closer. But i don't know what is going to happen. So I'll just go with the flow.

Back to Square One

Well, i think it is safe to say the my new friendship is over. The one person I really care about has made it sorta clear to me that she has more important things to deal with. And i guess it is okay because i saw it coming but I don't like think about how I'm completely alone now. I've been cancelled on two weeks in a row and so I'll retreat back into my hole and forget this ever happened. Clearly, hoping things would change around was a terrible idea. Because things don't change, and neither do people. I feel too upset to even cut right now... and that says alot.
"If you give up on me, I'm going to give up on me too."

Confusion.

My mom and my therapist talk the majority of my session by themselves. Finally they let me go in there and they told me they were sending me somewhere else! They didn't tell me why! I don't understand this! Is my own therapist rejecting me!? So next week i get to start the whole painful process over and have a get to know you and what are your problems session again. Its really painful. Ugh. I'm pissed and not to looking forward to this. Fuck. Anyway after that a got my antihelix pierced and it just felt like a shot. But it looks cute! Haha it is sticking out of my ear because it is still bleeding! But whatever. At least that makes me feel happy.

I'm Holdin' Out for A Hero.

Second therapy appointment tomorrow. Oh yay. I'm just going to suck it up and get it over with. Maybe I won't lie to her as much this time... maybe. I get my anti-helix pierced tomorrow so at least I have something to look forward to. I'm actually really excited about how bad it is going to hurt. Probably because then I won't have to cut as much because my ear will hurt too bad. I really wish one of people I used to be friends with would reach out to me. I miss all of them. But there are too many for me to just go up and talk to. They need to show me that they want me back. But obviously they don't. And that hurts more than anything. Maybe going to new school will be good. I need to be surrounded by positive energy, right? Or at least a different kind of energy than what I'm around. Besides, no one will miss me.
"I'll meet a hero, and then we'll dance til the morning light."

What a nice surprise.

I didn't get a minute of sleep last night and I don't know why.. but even then today was the best day I've had in months. And it was amazing. I hope there will be more days like this. For the first time in the longest time, I feel the tiniest sliver of hope. And I did it by myself. Which is probably the most important thing. In my heart I think, maybe I'm not hopeless; maybe I can be something. But for some reason in my head I think, enjoy it now because things will get bad again.
"Monsters don't sleep under your bed. They sleep inside your head."

Tattoos

OH MAN. Tattoos are so cool. I want one so bad. SO BAD. I'm not sure what I want though. I don't want something that tons of people have, like a heart or birds. It needs to be unique and special to me. I like the thought of words that have changed my life but NOT in a different language. I don't understand that. Especially when they don't even speak that language. Tattoo sleeves are really awesome but I would look crazy with one of those. I want something to go on my wrist because that is a very special place to me and it could easily be covered up. But I don't know... I've got a little while to think about it so I'll stop stressing.

Damn, I hate Sundays. They suck a lot. So do 7 pages essays that are due Tuesday.

That Was Fast

I literally was only able to feel happy for a couple hours. Then it all crashed. It might be the fact that I won't be able to see my best friend this weekend. And we might have to cancel the amazing plans we had for next weekend. I hate everyday I don't see or talk to her. I also don't like feeling that. But I guess I'll just try to suck it up until I see her again. I keep saying to myself "Just relax. She won't forget about you." But it isn't really helping. The doubt just says with me. I just have to push through it. And keep on trying to be happy.

Working on it

Im going to try to be happy again. Im not sure if it is going to work, but i think I'll give it a try. What is the worst that could happen?

Only Because She Wants Me To

I can already tell that this whole therapy situation isn't going to work out. Ive done it before and Im not in the mood to start it all over again. But my mom thinks she is making a difference and being a good mother. So I'll let her feel better about the situation. I have not talked to my friends in literally a month. And they could honestly care less. That breaks my heart. I never realized how much they didn't care about me and the hell i was going through. After i stopped talking to my friends I randomly started hanging out with this girl. And she is my rock. She already knows everything there is to know about me and still cares. And she actual cares. And she tells me it everyday. And makes me promise not to cut. And maybe that was all i ever needed. A reason not to die. But yet, it doesn't feel convincing enough. Im afraid that if i lose her i will literally have no one and then i will definitely go insane. The amount of people I actually rely on and make me feel happy is so limited. And that will be the end of me. Sometimes, well all the time, i feel like there is only a tiny piece of me left. And once i lose that i will be a ticking time bomb. Waiting and waiting to die. Well when this girl canceled our plans for this weekend, I got really upset. And that scared me alot. I don't want to be reliant on her but i don't have anything else. So what else am I supposed to do? I really am trying to not get too attached. I like her so much though. I want to get from this. And i want to get away from all that i am.

Here it goes..

Well, I'm off to start therapy. I haven't eaten or slept since Monday so it will be nice to get this nightmare over with. I just want to throw up. This is the last thing I want to do. Ever.

New Appointment.

My mom made me an appointment for therapy on Wensday. I'm so disappointed. Back in June, my mom found out I was cutting and I went to therapy about four times then told my mom I was "cured". She believed me and hasn't brought it up once until today. Last week, I told her a had Trechotrillomania, which is a disease where you pull out your hair. She didnt seem like it was a big deal. I wasn't too bothered about the new appointment because i felt like my mom kept my business between us and didn't tell all of her close friends. Until a couple minutes ago. I was using her phone to call my aunt when it beeped. I looked at it to see what the beep was for and i saw that one of her friends had sent her a text that said "Did you get an appointment?". My heart broke at that moment. I just feel so betrayed. Especially because the first time i went to therapy i specifically told her not to tell anyone. It is just so fucked up. And i feel so embarrassed. I wanna cry but i don't want her to see. It's so hard to fight back tears.