Stupid Holidays.

It is supposed to be "the happiest season of all" but it doesn't feel like it. The holidays are making me feel like shit. And I'm pretty pissed off about it. I wish I felt great and didn't have to think about the depression but it just won't go away. Nothing made me feel good on Christmas. Like a warm happy feeling.. Maybe that was because I spent all of Christmas Eve getting my sister's big and expensive gifts from my mom ready for her. Or maybe it is because I can't see the girl I really want to hang out with til next week. But probably it is the fact the tomorrow I have to go visit my family who live 6 hours away, and I despise most of them. I haven't had a therapy appointment in over a week and now because of this stupid trip I have to reschedule it for a week from now. I want to cut. I need it. I've thought about it for the past 4 days and I think I'm going to. I haven't cut in 16 days. That's a big deal, so I don't want to ruin it. I really don't want to. But I don't think I can stay strong enough to handle it. I feel really scared. I'm trying so hard to beat this but it isn't working. I'm not doing something right because I just cant win. And I don't have anyone to talk to about it. That's probably the worst feeling in the world. Ill be so disappointed if I cut again. The cycle always restarts though. This winter break is beginning to feel very lonely.