To The Boy Who Texted Me To Tell Me He Misses Me

Thank you. The fact that after about 4 months of not speaking and giving each other glares in the hallway that said I haven't talked to you in forever and I don't care, you texted me. And you said I miss you. Even though I only thought about you once because I had a dream about you.. I said it back. Because maybe I just missed feeling loved. You asked if we could hang out as a group again and I said no because I'm not ready to be around the people who didn't want to care about me. So you asked if I wanted to just hang out with you and that girl that never called me back when I tried to reach out to her even though she said she would. I told you maybe so we set it up for next Saturday. To be completely honest, I don't want to because I'm afraid things might go back to the way they were. I pulled away because things were awful and if it goes back to normal I'll be even more unhappy. So I'm faced with a hard decision here. Please try to understand. I can go and try to make things different and hope they will turn out better, or I can not go and leave things as they are, where I don't talk to you all, even of they are terrible. I guess I'll try to give you another shoot. After all, for a whole year you were my everything. I haven't forgotten that and I know you haven't either. Secretly I've always wanted to go back to that because I had never loved someone or been so devoted to someone more than I was with you.
"If I didn't know better, I'd follow you up the stairs. Stop saying those sweet things, you know I like to hear. The horns are blowing louder and they're destroying me"

Checkpoint 3

Days without cutting: 21
"And the songbirds are singing like they know the score. And I love you, I love you, I love you, like never before."

You Wouldn't Understand

You go through your life trying to live, but I go through mine trying to survive.

I Don't Know What To Do Now

I can't stop thinking about cutting. I just can't stop. Its driving me crazy. 18 days since the last time and I'm trying so hard not to. I'm trying not to do it because she doesn't want me to. And she means everything to me. I'm not strong enough to fight it anymore. I realize that now. I'll never be strong enough.

Visiting Family

Honestly, I think visiting family is the worst. You have to drive hours to get there and then have to stay there a bunch of days then drive hours to get back! I'm sitting in my cousin living room, 7 hours away from my beautiful home and I'm ignoring my family because they are annoying. I just want to go home now but we are leaving in 2 day. Dammit. I want to go and hang out with that girl I can't stop thinking about. I miss her, which is annoying because I know it isn't a mutual feeling. Oh well. Shit happens.

Stupid Holidays.

It is supposed to be "the happiest season of all" but it doesn't feel like it. The holidays are making me feel like shit. And I'm pretty pissed off about it. I wish I felt great and didn't have to think about the depression but it just won't go away. Nothing made me feel good on Christmas. Like a warm happy feeling.. Maybe that was because I spent all of Christmas Eve getting my sister's big and expensive gifts from my mom ready for her. Or maybe it is because I can't see the girl I really want to hang out with til next week. But probably it is the fact the tomorrow I have to go visit my family who live 6 hours away, and I despise most of them. I haven't had a therapy appointment in over a week and now because of this stupid trip I have to reschedule it for a week from now. I want to cut. I need it. I've thought about it for the past 4 days and I think I'm going to. I haven't cut in 16 days. That's a big deal, so I don't want to ruin it. I really don't want to. But I don't think I can stay strong enough to handle it. I feel really scared. I'm trying so hard to beat this but it isn't working. I'm not doing something right because I just cant win. And I don't have anyone to talk to about it. That's probably the worst feeling in the world. Ill be so disappointed if I cut again. The cycle always restarts though. This winter break is beginning to feel very lonely.

Checkpoint 2

Days without cutting: 14
(:

Clarity

When it wont and it wont because it can't. It just can't. Its not supposed to.

Creating Sucess

10 days, and not one single urge.

To Those Who Left Me: My Story

3 months ago, when I pulled away from you guys, it was only because I needed you all to prove you loved me, and that we were in this together. I need to feel like I meant something. I was falling and falling and I couldn't get back up. You all knew what was going on, so there was no excuse. I was angry. And I stayed angry for a really long time. But then I was too sad to be angry anymore and it faded away. I didn't talk to anyone for months. And no one questioned it. You all just sat back and watched me suffer. For months I was all alone. I hit rock bottom, and there wasn't a single person in this world I could talk to. Not one fucking person. But it didn't even cross your minds. Ill probably never forgive you for that. You never once thought how I was doing or if I needed help still. You just thought about yourselves and your dumb high school drama and your outfits and boyfriends; while I was trying my best not to kill myself every fucking day. Maybe I sound selfish here. But I was the opposite of that. I thought about you guys, my best friends, everyday. Once I had given up hope for life, something amazing happened. I started spending my time with that girl I was friends with, the one who had some issues and focused on school a lot. One day, out of the blue, we decided to hang out. And for some reason, we had that most amazing chemistry and I told her everything. Like about how you all left me in my darkest hour. And she understood..., and cared. She just felt like me, a better me. Of course, things didn't get better then. No. Fighting my demons was a long process. We started going to youth together. I'm not completely sure what I believe but it was nice to think that there was something to believe in. I assume she was the one who mentioned to my mom that I need help and so I started going to therapy. Knowing that 3 people cared about me and my problems was enough to help me relax. I got this blog so I could vent my feeling and not have to worry about it. And slowly I started fighting this and trying to get better. That's where I am today. Happy enough to try talking to you all again. I understand you didn't know what to do with my situation. Most people wouldn't. But you knew I needed love and support, which was the last thing you gave me. So next time you get the opportunity to save someone, try as hard as you fucking can. You never know what difference it could make.

Checkpoint 1

Days without cutting: 7

Longest time without cutting: 4 months

Just Breathe

It looks like I'm friends with everyone again. I guess people can stand me when I'm calm, and not freaking out on them every other second. It's nice. I've had the most plans this weekend then I've had in 2 months. And I feel alright. And right now, nothing else matters.
"And in that moment, I swear we were infinite."

Maybe Starting Over...

I've slowly started talking to my old friends again and they invited me over this weekend.. i doubt I'll go but it is one step closer. But i don't know what is going to happen. So I'll just go with the flow.

Back to Square One

Well, i think it is safe to say the my new friendship is over. The one person I really care about has made it sorta clear to me that she has more important things to deal with. And i guess it is okay because i saw it coming but I don't like think about how I'm completely alone now. I've been cancelled on two weeks in a row and so I'll retreat back into my hole and forget this ever happened. Clearly, hoping things would change around was a terrible idea. Because things don't change, and neither do people. I feel too upset to even cut right now... and that says alot.
"If you give up on me, I'm going to give up on me too."

Confusion.

My mom and my therapist talk the majority of my session by themselves. Finally they let me go in there and they told me they were sending me somewhere else! They didn't tell me why! I don't understand this! Is my own therapist rejecting me!? So next week i get to start the whole painful process over and have a get to know you and what are your problems session again. Its really painful. Ugh. I'm pissed and not to looking forward to this. Fuck. Anyway after that a got my antihelix pierced and it just felt like a shot. But it looks cute! Haha it is sticking out of my ear because it is still bleeding! But whatever. At least that makes me feel happy.

I'm Holdin' Out for A Hero.

Second therapy appointment tomorrow. Oh yay. I'm just going to suck it up and get it over with. Maybe I won't lie to her as much this time... maybe. I get my anti-helix pierced tomorrow so at least I have something to look forward to. I'm actually really excited about how bad it is going to hurt. Probably because then I won't have to cut as much because my ear will hurt too bad. I really wish one of people I used to be friends with would reach out to me. I miss all of them. But there are too many for me to just go up and talk to. They need to show me that they want me back. But obviously they don't. And that hurts more than anything. Maybe going to new school will be good. I need to be surrounded by positive energy, right? Or at least a different kind of energy than what I'm around. Besides, no one will miss me.
"I'll meet a hero, and then we'll dance til the morning light."

What a nice surprise.

I didn't get a minute of sleep last night and I don't know why.. but even then today was the best day I've had in months. And it was amazing. I hope there will be more days like this. For the first time in the longest time, I feel the tiniest sliver of hope. And I did it by myself. Which is probably the most important thing. In my heart I think, maybe I'm not hopeless; maybe I can be something. But for some reason in my head I think, enjoy it now because things will get bad again.
"Monsters don't sleep under your bed. They sleep inside your head."

Tattoos

OH MAN. Tattoos are so cool. I want one so bad. SO BAD. I'm not sure what I want though. I don't want something that tons of people have, like a heart or birds. It needs to be unique and special to me. I like the thought of words that have changed my life but NOT in a different language. I don't understand that. Especially when they don't even speak that language. Tattoo sleeves are really awesome but I would look crazy with one of those. I want something to go on my wrist because that is a very special place to me and it could easily be covered up. But I don't know... I've got a little while to think about it so I'll stop stressing.

Damn, I hate Sundays. They suck a lot. So do 7 pages essays that are due Tuesday.

That Was Fast

I literally was only able to feel happy for a couple hours. Then it all crashed. It might be the fact that I won't be able to see my best friend this weekend. And we might have to cancel the amazing plans we had for next weekend. I hate everyday I don't see or talk to her. I also don't like feeling that. But I guess I'll just try to suck it up until I see her again. I keep saying to myself "Just relax. She won't forget about you." But it isn't really helping. The doubt just says with me. I just have to push through it. And keep on trying to be happy.

Working on it

Im going to try to be happy again. Im not sure if it is going to work, but i think I'll give it a try. What is the worst that could happen?

Only Because She Wants Me To

I can already tell that this whole therapy situation isn't going to work out. Ive done it before and Im not in the mood to start it all over again. But my mom thinks she is making a difference and being a good mother. So I'll let her feel better about the situation. I have not talked to my friends in literally a month. And they could honestly care less. That breaks my heart. I never realized how much they didn't care about me and the hell i was going through. After i stopped talking to my friends I randomly started hanging out with this girl. And she is my rock. She already knows everything there is to know about me and still cares. And she actual cares. And she tells me it everyday. And makes me promise not to cut. And maybe that was all i ever needed. A reason not to die. But yet, it doesn't feel convincing enough. Im afraid that if i lose her i will literally have no one and then i will definitely go insane. The amount of people I actually rely on and make me feel happy is so limited. And that will be the end of me. Sometimes, well all the time, i feel like there is only a tiny piece of me left. And once i lose that i will be a ticking time bomb. Waiting and waiting to die. Well when this girl canceled our plans for this weekend, I got really upset. And that scared me alot. I don't want to be reliant on her but i don't have anything else. So what else am I supposed to do? I really am trying to not get too attached. I like her so much though. I want to get from this. And i want to get away from all that i am.

Here it goes..

Well, I'm off to start therapy. I haven't eaten or slept since Monday so it will be nice to get this nightmare over with. I just want to throw up. This is the last thing I want to do. Ever.

New Appointment.

My mom made me an appointment for therapy on Wensday. I'm so disappointed. Back in June, my mom found out I was cutting and I went to therapy about four times then told my mom I was "cured". She believed me and hasn't brought it up once until today. Last week, I told her a had Trechotrillomania, which is a disease where you pull out your hair. She didnt seem like it was a big deal. I wasn't too bothered about the new appointment because i felt like my mom kept my business between us and didn't tell all of her close friends. Until a couple minutes ago. I was using her phone to call my aunt when it beeped. I looked at it to see what the beep was for and i saw that one of her friends had sent her a text that said "Did you get an appointment?". My heart broke at that moment. I just feel so betrayed. Especially because the first time i went to therapy i specifically told her not to tell anyone. It is just so fucked up. And i feel so embarrassed. I wanna cry but i don't want her to see. It's so hard to fight back tears.

Society Will Destroy Us All

The society we live in is a messed up place. It is the reason for so many terrible things. Anorexia, because we have become so convinced that skinny is pretty and nothing else is acceptable. Fashion, because if you aren't up to date on the latest clothing and haven't bought what is most expensive then you are not cool enough. Often, teen suicide is the fault of media and its cruel messages. These dumb things that society and the media are trying to convince people with is completely disgusting. Media is slowly destroying our self-eestem and our self-control. And it will only get worse. The saddest part is that we will never be able to truly defend ourselves. We will always be undermined by the big media world. We are the product of the experiments. How can we beat that?
"There is nothing wrong with your body but there is a lot wrong with the messages which try to convince you otherwise."

OMFG.

Ugggghh. Why does everything suck so bad? I hate feeling this unhappy all of the time. I hate having to deal with all the shit in my head and having no one to talk too. Coffee makes me feel better sometimes. I ALWAYS wish I could just disappear for awhile. And then maybe come back. Or move away and start over somewhere else. I'm stuck in a constant cycle of boringness and unhappiness. What am I even supposed to do now?! Since when did it become so hard just to live a normal life? I think I die a little bit more ever day.
"Enjoy your body. After all, others have."

The Rocky Horror Picture Show

Oh my gosh. Please tell me someone else out there has seen this amazing movie too. I haven't met anyone yet. Rocky Horror is my favorite movie ever. Besides The Perks of Being a Wallflower. Gosh, those are long titles. Tim Curry is just so amazing. I love him an unbelievable amount. Then to go experience it in a theatre, <3333333. I cant wait to take people to go experience it and spread the joy of Rocky Horror. :D If you haven't seen The Rocky Horror Picture Show, please go watch it. You won't regret it. The man who created this movie (plays Riff Raff) is an absolute genius. Man, I'm so in love with everything. Wow.
"You see I'm making a man, with blonde hair and tan, and he's good for reliving my tension."

A Puzzling Quote

I just saw this and it blew my mind. Its gorgeous.
"What right has my head to call itself me?"
<3

One Productive Thing.

Yesterday, I accomplished something amazing. It might be the only productive thing Ill ever do in my life. I stopped one of the most amazing people I know from cutting herself for the first time. I'm just so happy for her.  I feel like I've helped someone to not go through a dark depressing path. My main goal is to make her feel happy again. She deserves it. I just cant watch her deal with cutting to cope. I would do anything for her. For once, I feel a little effective. I doubt it will last. But for the mean time...

New Friend

I think i found someone who might care. I think i found an actual good person. Maybe someone will finally save me. (:
"I won't let you make the great escape"
-P!nk The Great Escape

Save You

This is my favorite thing ever. I hope it affects you as much as it does me. Good luck, sweetheart. <3
"Where did i go wrong? I lost a friend."
-The Fray How to Save a Life

My Wishes for Everyone

Hello! Happy Thanksgiving! I hope your life is going well and that you are enjoying it. I hope that you had a lot to be thankful for. If life seems to suck and you don't think you can handle it anymore, just think that there are people who are going through the same thing and you are never alone, even if it seems like it. I hope that helped, even if it was only a little. This week, attempt to do one small thing that will brighten a stranger's day. If you do just one thing, then you will have given the gift of joy. It is the best gift you could ever give. Just remember that everything you do and say, has an impact. Good luck in life, sweetheart. <3

"Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It's not."
-The Lorax

The Songs That Save My Nights.

-I Wanna Know What Love Is
-Hopelessly Devoted
-If I Didn't Know Better
<3

Oh God.

I just can't stop shaking.

Not Eating.

30 hour fast. Only have 4 hours left. Is it wierd that I love the feeling of my stomach growling and being so empty? I guess I'll eat a little bit when this is over.

My Mind Constantly Races

I wonder what started this long downhill spiral. The first time I ever cut and how I handled it. The way that it used to feel like it solved everything but now it feels like nothing can ever solve my problems. The last thing I wonder is if, in the future, things do it better, or if thats just a dumb motivational saying that an idiot made up. Im not sure if i should stick around to find out.

"The dreams in which Im dying are the best Ive ever had."

The Butterfly Project

I tried the butterfly project this week and successfully allowed my butterfly to live. I named it Natalie. Im proud. I just continued to think... I can kill her. I just cant. Now she is washed off and I have to decide whether to do it again or not.. Hmm.
"I can't afford antidepressants so I'm drinking No More Tears shampoo."

Oh My Sweet, Sweet Love

What if I tried to kiss you? What if I told you I wanted you?
Would you tell me you felt the same way? Or that we could never work?
I don't think I'm going to take my chances. Sometimes, a heart can only take so much. So I'll sit back and pretend like you are only my best friend and that is all I think of you as.

Dumb Games

To me, it seems like Jenga is the dumbest game in the world. You spend all this time building it up, just to deliberately knock it down. And you know it is going to fall because that's how you declare a winner. It seems incredibly pointless.

But I think we might do the same thing in life. Build it up, to watch it come crashing down. Maybe that didn't make any sense..

I hate school. When did it become so much work? 5 hours of homework almost every night. Wtf. My head is about to explode. Not only does homework suck, but so does the school day. I hate my classes and annoying teachers. And also I hate the people. They suck alot. Well hopefully I can hang out with that cute girl next weekend. She's one of the only people I want to talk to. Maybe she will make the sadness stop. That's high hopes for someone so unpredictable. Damn..
"You're thinking bad thoughts, I can tell."

These People..

I don't understand why people are fake. What is the point in that? Why would they pretend like they care if they really don't? I'm talking about my friends.. sorry my "friends", to be specific. They waste SO much time pretending to worry about me or care about me but the whole time they couldn't care the least bit. Why don't people just be honest with one another? Is it because they care too much about what others will think? It seems like most people are obsessed with what people might think of them. They are afraid of being judge and not being liked. Why does it matter what small-minded people think of you? It shouldn't. But yet society seems convinced it has to prove itself to one another. I've never understood it and maybe that is a good thing. But I honestly worry for those who can't seem to get past it. I wish you all the best in life.
"When I die I'll go to heaven because I've spent my time in hell."

Falling

Sometimes I think the hardest thing to do is just making it through the day.. or night. FML. I don't know how much longer I can do this.

"Hell is empty and all the devils are here."
-William Shakespeare

Finally Understood

       I have recently read and watched the movie of The Perks of Being a Wallflower. My life is truly changed. It is one of the best books and movies Ive ever read/seen. Fabulous, fabulous, fabulous. I can't wait to buy the movie when it comes out on DVD! I'm getting ready to start rereading the book too.. Its all i have been thinking about. I'm so in love. By the way, this isn't a movie review, more like expressing my heart and how it felt about this topic.
       First off, the movie, since I saw it first. Emma Watson, Logan Lerman, and Erza Miller were fabulous. There could not have been anyone better picked for the part. I cried the WHOLE ENTIRE MOVIE, which is weird because I never cry. I think I cried because of how much it related to me. It was uncanny. I loved the realisticness of it. It was the most true "coming-of-age" movie, Ive ever seen. It was like the author said "lets just tell it how it is". And he did. I have never felt more understood by anyone in my life. Each character has their own set of problems, and that is how they are all able to lean on each other for support. There is Patrick, who is gay (Miller is gay in real life too) and struggling with having a boyfriend who won't come out. He deals mostly with homophobia. Then there is Sam, his stepsister, who has school problems, self-esteem issues, suffered from child abuse, has been used a lot, and has boy problems. I think all of these things can be so relatable in today's society. Finally, there is Charlie, who is very shy, had a best friend who killed himself, suffered from child abuse, and has something going on inside his head that is very strange.. But I understand because I think Charlie and I are a lot alike. "I swear I have never felt more okay than I did reading this book." And maybe that is why I like this movie so much. He is struggling, just like me. The soundtrack is this movie is GREAT. I had never heard of most of the songs but now that I have.. I am in love. Also, the references to The Rocky Horror Picture Show!!! I was so excited because that is one of my favorite movie ever. I think Charlie and I have the same brain. It is truly mindblowing.
        Now, the book, which I finished yesterday. Its different from the movie in the sense of what Charlie comes across as. Charlie seems strange in the book, and we do not get that side of him in the movie. I was surprised at the amount of drugs and alcohol there was in the book. Not that it made the book less great, I just didn't feel Sam and Patrick and Charlie came across as those kind of people. I was a little disappointed. Ive read that the book wasn't all that popular but people should defiantly watch the movie. It is phenomenal. I really like the format of the book though. I felt like Charlie was writing the letters to me. I think the author wanted that. There are certain parts in both the book and the movie where they don't tell you exactly whats happening so I think in some places it might be hard to follow. Especially in the book. You might have to ask teens for advice. I'm sure most teens will know. Also, the quotes in the book were beautiful.I wish the book were longer. Its short and "fast-paced". I hope one of these days, Ill figure everything out like Charlie does. I'm jealous of that. This is how I feel. I hope this book helps other people find their way when they are lost. I believe that there are lots of "Charlies" out there. Happy reading!

• "We accept the love we think we deserve."
• "So, this is my life and I just want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.
• "And in that moment, I swear, we were infinite."

I'm not sure if I've understood this one yet. In the book and the movie Charlie is continuously saying and thinking this. I take it as him saying that in that particular moment (riding through the tunnel) he felt so happy he thought it could never end. Charlie feels like he will be happy forever and he feels like he belongs. Maybe.. Not my favorite quote in the book.

• "Things change. Friends leave. And life doesn't stop for anybody."
• "The truth is, when it gets really quiet, when silence gets too loud, I really start to miss everyone."
• "I would die for you. But I won't live for you."
• "I don't want to start thinking again. Not like I have this last week. I can't think again. Not ever again."

How do those quotes make you feel?
                                                                                                                      
                                                                                                                                      

Disappointed

Well today I went to go get my learners permit after waiting 6 months to finally be able to. My mom decided that we should arrive at the DMV, one hour before it closes. She also decided she was not going to bring any of my identification either.. So when we finally got up to the counter they lady told us we could not get my permit because we didn't have any identification. Now i have to wait two more days. Im so tired of being disappointed and thats how i feel all the time. Maybe something will go my way for once.. but until then I'll just sit around and complain about how much it sucks that i can not drive. For some reason my mom keeps blaming it on me saying that im always prepared for everything so she figured i had all of the info! Whatever. Im not even sure where any of that stuff is! Im tired of being blamed for everything! Sometimes... life sucks
"Maybe I'm just in love when you wake me up."
- Ed Sheeran Wake Me Up

That's How I Am

       I realized that I have a very addictive personality. I attach to things so quickly and I have a hard time forgetting about them. And sometimes it worries me. I have a million bad habits that I know I will never get rid of and I really don't need anymore. I sometimes feel like I have to be very cautious of what I do because I don't want to become reliant on anything. I've suffered from things like that in the past and it terrifies me that I could go through the never ending cycle again. I am also like that with people. I become very reliant on them and I need to realize how stupid that is because you can't trust anyone. No matter how much people will get you to think they care, they really don't. Or they are too stupid to realize when they need to take action. I hope that if anyone ever needed me, the way that I've needed people, then I could be there for them and actually make a difference in their lives. 13 Reasons Why and How to Save a Life are like the books I worship. They are deep and really explain how to deal with people's dark side. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother having friends. It just seems like a pointless thing to deal with. All my friends do is gossip and listen to what everyone else thinks. I just can't comprehend why anyone would want to waste their time caring about what other ignorant people think. Whatever. Screw that. But I cant stop being bothered by it. Oh well... I'll just listen to some music to forget about it
"I don't get waves of missing you anymore; there more like tsunami tides, in my eyes.:
-Ed Sheeran U.N.I.

Dreadhead

:)

    I want dreadlocks SO bad. I think they are the coolest things erver but they seem like a lot of work. And I don't want to get stereotyped. I don't smoke week and I'm not dirty but i think that might be the image dreads give off. I don't care what people think of me but if I'm unable to get a job then it might a problem. I did some temperary dreads once and it was amazing. I just don't think I can make that kind of commitment. :( But I can defiantly keep doing the temperary ones. I applaud anyone who is a dreadhead. Im also VERY jealous of you. I wish I knew people who were cool enough to have dreads.. but I don't. Having the whole hippy vibe with dreads is pretty awesome too. I wish i gave off that vibe... but I don't! I'm not really sure what kind of vibe I give off. Probably a negative one. It's funny how you can just look at someone and get a certain feeling. I wonder if it's peoples face that makes me feel that way. or maybe it's their personality. I defiantly wouldn't consider myself a people person. Anyway, DREADS. They are just too cool! And when they are really long.. soo sexy. Hopefully I can give it a try soon. I just need to grow a pair already. Maybe one of theses days.. :)
"I feel like a hero and you are my heroine"
-Boys Like Girls Hero/Heroine

Beautifully

       A couple days ago I was listening to Pandora, you know that app where it plays music that you like? Well anyway I was listening to the Ed Sheeran station and a song I didn't know came on. So I started listening to it and one of the lyrics in the chorus was "it's not that you're not beautiful, you're just not beautiful to me" and it BROKE MY HEART. It was literally the meanest thing I've ever heard. How can anyone be so mean as to say that? That one particular lyric made me so mad; I didn't want to talk to anyone for the rest of the day. Are all guys this mean? Would anyone actually say this? They shouldn't. Unless they want to be the biggest douchebag ever. But some people just don't care how they make people feel. I feel like I'm stereotyping guys right now. I'm sure there are some nice guys somewhere. Not the guy who sang that song though. It's called Beautifully by Jay something.. Its a cute song, it's just that one line. I just can't imagine if someone said that to any of my friends, I would go crazy. But that's how I feel about that line; and boys I guess.

First Blog

Oh gosh..

     This is my first blog! That's pretty exciting. I've been wanting to do this forever. But I'll be honest, Awkward was the really reason i started. It just seemed like a great idea to type out random thoughts to strangers. I'm just gonna vent my thoughts about things. Like now, I want to talk about music. Music is my life. It's the words I want to say and the feelings I can't figure out. I can't play an instrument or sing a note to save my life but music is the biggest part of my life. Weird? Its like my drug. It seems like songs always know what to say and they instantly make me feel better. It's the lyrics that make the song. I'd be a hot mess if I couldn't listen to music to calm me down. My new favorite artist is Ed Sheeran. His songs are just so true! But if any songs seem to talk about what I'm going though, I'll listen to it a thousand times. I just got up to 640 songs on the my phone and I am so proud of that! Gosh, I could talk about my love affair with music for hours. Am I the only one who feels like music is my best friend and no one can understand me like that? If I could express my feelings the way songs do everyone would know exactly the way I feel. That's actually a really scary thought. When I need to sit down and cry I just flip through my songs until I find sad songs that were MADE for me and I just let it out. I don't know if that is a healthy thing to do, but i do it anyway. Well, that's my secret affair with someone named music.

"And in a pipe she flies to the Motherland, or sells love to another man"
-Ed Sheeran The A-Team